Coffee Talk "A Million Little Pieces" 4/1/09

Last weeks coffee talk was an interactive exercise that explored the diversity & density of human composition. In a room full of values posted on the various walls, such as religion, sexual orientation, immigration status etc., participants had to honestly affiliate themselves to values that best described them. After such questions as " What value(s) do you take pride in?", "What identity do you think is portrayed positively in the media?", & "What identity do others instantly associate to you?", the group would discuss the substance behind our choices or leanings. The conversation flowed between various concerns like racial inequality, body image, & the internalization of discrimination and kept probing the deeper construction of everyones individuality. Although the conversations were brief the exercises allowed everyone to show and observe the "million little pieces" that we acknowledge, consider, resent, & honor in our day to day lives.


Lets discuss it further:

What aspect of your identity most affects you in a negative way? Why? (Make a comment)


Contributed by: Cesar Romero, an active Village Core Group and our Coffee Talk Brewer.

Coffee Talk "Masculinity" 3/25/09

Topic: Masculinity
Moderator: Cesar Romero
Location: Utah AIDS Foundation

This weeks topic was centered around masculinity. Attendees were asked to give their thoughts on what the word masculinity means to them, then what the outside world wanted them to believe masculinity should be.

We then discussed being gay in a masculine world. We discussed "straight acting" and how those who do not fall into this category are treated.

It was very lively conversation and many opinions were presented by those in attendance. After coffee talk was finished, many of us continued the conversation at Salt Lake Pizza & Pasta as our traditional breaking of the bread.

Contributed by: Ray Middlesworth an active Village Core Group and member.

Coffee Talk "MSM who BB, PnP & PSS" 3/11/09

Last week at coffee talk, Josh led us all on a discussion about fantasies. We are in world where sex is all around us through various forms of media and with that our minds can create our own sexual or intimate fantasies in which we may want to further explore. We question if the fantasies can be turned into reality, how that can affect us. In your fantasies are you being safe? Do you use lube or wear condoms? The truth is, most people would not go into that much detail in a fantasy. If being safe isn’t acted out in your fantasy, will it be acted in that passionate moment when fantasy turns into reality?

contributed by David Castillo an active Village member and The Village Core Group

Coffee Talk "X OBjectify" 3/4/09

I hear footsteps! A new arrival soon approaches the second story loft of the Salt Lake Roasting Company. A few heads glance over to critique the fresh meat (yes, including mine). I think to myself; “Is he cute?” or perhaps “Is he the one?” Whether it’s a fellow coffee house patron, a passer-by at the gym or self-talk in the mirror; at some point in time we’ve all objectified or been objectified. “Everybody doing it..” so does it become unhealthy? Where do we draw a line? Like any behavior, too much of anything can cause harm to yourself or others. If you haven’t guessed it by now, our coffee talk discussion was on objectification. Having admittedly arrived late and with some disruption; I might add. I apologize in advance for any views I may have missed. Give me a nice non-objectified spanking the next time you see me.

Regardless, a good place to start is by defining the process of objectification and what it means to you . The root word “object” is defined as “…anything that is visible or tangible…”(dictionary.com) but to objectify caries additional implications. To objectify someone is to remove all emotional, mental and non-tangible components from an individual. In other words, our perception of that individual is incomplete either by choice or by lack of information. Most of us objectify others during the inception of a new relationship. We lack the necessary information to construct an accurate and complete depiction of an individual. At a subtle level, we may objectify this new acquaintance until more information is acquired. At this level, objectification is completely normal and quite healthy. So rest assured, you haven’t sinned ….yet!

Objectification is in the eye of the observer, right? Twink, Jock and Leatherman! These homoerotic social classes resonate objectification by nature. The innocent onlooker isn’t always to blame, an individual may participate is certain types of behaviors or actions that contribute to his or her objectification. A go-go boy prancing around in his underwear, a Leatherman in a jock strap or drag queen in costume are all exhibits of behaviors that contribute to objectification.

The other day I was flipping through “Genre” a gay men’s magazine. It’s not often I read this magazine and It didn’t take me long to remember why. How can you guys read with those visual enticements on page-after-page. Hairless STUDS bursting with muscles flexing their budging bodies beneath a layer of kin-tight spandex? “Perfection.” A phrased used often by the Borg in Star Trek. Is this what being Borg are all about? If so, where can I sign up? After all, you only have your humanity to lose… As I flip through a few more delicious pages of sweaty jocks and tempting daddies, I think to myself; won’t he blow a seem wearing that? The stage is set and the pressure is building… I can’t take it anymore! I know what’s coming next… (DARLINGS, get your mind out of the gutter!)…Under the pressure, I SNAP! My internal verbiage begins to digress; “Would he find me hot?’ like “…popcorn popper hot, like exhaust pipe hot.” (dirty love) One objectification leads to another, before you know it; I’ve just self-objectified. Sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it? Self-objectification manifest itself in our internal judgment of physical appearance, behavior roles and sexual activities we chose to participate in..

When used wisely objectivity is something useful, it may help us negate situations in our life. When this trait falls out of balance, we become harmful to ourselves and others around us. I am not in a position to qualify what is right and wrong for you as an individual, however I believe when we open our hearts and mind in greater awareness of each other; we do the right thing. We must be conscious that each individual has a unique history of emotional, philosophical and share experiences which makes them a product of today. In addition, most individuals strive for goodness and the wellbeing of others and a community as a whole. It’s when miscommunication or blatant disregard for other occurs that an individual becomes toxic to himself and society.

Contributed by: Jeffrey A. Wood, new to The Coffee Talk but not new to The Village.

Coffee Talk has a new place!

Starting this Wednesday, March 11th 2009 we will be meeting at the Utah AIDS Foundation Group Room. This will be a test for about a month and we will see if this will be an alternative from Salt Lake Roasting Company. Hope to see you in our new Coffee Talk location.

Coffee Talk 2/11/09 "He's Just Not That Into You"

He's just not that into you.

If you're reading this then you've survived - or relished in - another Valentine's Day. While a growing counter movement might be reclaiming February 14th as Singles Awareness Day, the fact remains that Valentine's as a holiday has for most of our collective lives been about red roses, chocolates in heart-shaped boxes, and singing gorillas. We know to some degree, whether we subscribe or not, WHAT Valentines should look like and HOW it should be celebrated. Too often the WHY of Valentine's Day - WHY we celebrate on February 14th or WHY the holiday means so much - goes unexamined. Like many holidays, Valentine's is celebrated because we've always celebrated it. From the moment we dropped our Transformer or Care Bear cardboard valentines into shoeboxes covered in pink and red construction paper we were being conditioned to be zealous celebrators of the commercialization of LOVE.

And with those first valentines sent and received it's possible that we had an early introduction to what it means to be rejected. You know what I'm talking about: noticing that "so-and-so" or "what's his face" got more valentines and conversation hearts than you did. Or being acutely aware that some of your peers were very selective about the kind of valentines they gave you ("Let's BEE Friends") This played out until about fifth grade, when puberty kicked in and expressions of love in the form of Disney-themed valentines taped to the back of suckers became dangerous and beneath us. Then the rejection of our childhood was outdone by the rejection of our early and late teens.

Rejection is tough my friends. It cuts deep, especially when all we want is someone to take us out for a romantic dinner at Olive Garden on February 14th. After being rejected so many times one may start to think that they have only themselves to blame, that they must be flawed. Certainly we each have a "personal responsibility" for quelling our loneliness, but not being able to "couple on command" isn't a sign we're worthless - right?

In reality, being rejected may simply have more to do with the fact that, "he's just not that into you." I mean, why does it always have to be about you? Maybe that guy didn't want to go on a date with you because he had a terrible bikini waxing accident and doesn't want to be put in a situation that needs explaining. Maybe "what's his face" wasn't receptive to your passes because he's straight, or he's only into dating third or fourth cousins. Maybe the reason "so-and-so" didn't call you back is because he's just not that into you. Perhaps, and I don't think it's a stretch, not being paired up on Valentine's Day DOESN'T mean you're worthless. It may just be that the Valentine's Day is a crock. We should give some hard thought to why we celebrate, and how February 14th could be a real celebration of the many kinds of loves that are out there for us and others.


contributed by: Josh Newbury, The Moderator of Coffee Talk.

Coffee Talk 01/14/09

Hello everyone!

Last week coffee talk was all about "A Hard Thing to Break".

As always we met at Salt Lake Roasting Company around 7 pm and have an icebreaker. Our moderator, Josh was teasing the crowd that everyone knows what he says before the coffee talk starts so he wants a little change and pushes one of our Coffee Talk regular to take over about the talk.

Everyone was amazed and surprise for a sudden turn of the discussion.

It is difficult when we have changes in our lives and that was the main topic at that night. The energy was low and few participated on the discussion. Some say that it isn't easy to be in a place of rut or being stuck. Unless if they notice it, change is needed in order to move on. Others say that it is difficult when you are already in your comfort zone and get out of your comfort zone. The moderator asks everyone if they notice when they come to coffee talk and sits with the same people, others agreed and some disagree.

How do you feel when there is a sudden change in your life? What if change is the only feasible solution, will you do it?

Coffee talk 1/7/09

If you miss our 1st Coffee Talk of the year, don't you worry because I will give you the highlights of the 1st Coffee Talk of 2009.

We talk about "Bod".

Our Coffee Talk mediator - Josh Newbury divided the group into 4 and each group was given a task to draw their Ideal healthy body and what does healthy body looks like to you.

After few minutes each different groups reported and showed their ideal and what is a healthy body looks like to them. Some of the drawings showing a nice pecs, nice abs, great hair styles, big smiley faces, weights in the other hand & money on the other and some have hearts on their chest, a vision of dreaming and don't forget the healthy ass.

Some thinks that being healthy shows like being physically fit & others thru mentally, emotionally & accepting themselves. The discussion lasted for more than an hour due to different ideas and prospects about what is the definition of healthy to everyone.

It ended up by a good closing remarks that each of us have different ideas on how we really see being healthy looks like.

So what about you, what is a healthy "bod" looks like to you?

Super+Hero

In honor of the new Batman movie, Coffee Talk will focus on the life achievements of... superheroes. An 'incredible' and 'fantastic' conversation is sure to be had as we discuss our favorite superheroes, sinister villains, and of course, 'if you could have one super power....' Jeremiah will buy tickets to Batman: The Dark Knight for anyone who dresses in a FULL superhero costume!* This is our last Coffee Talk in July so be sure to bring friends and sidekicks.
* May not be true...

Coffee Talk

Wednesdays @ 7pm

SL Roasting Co.

Where old friends and fresh faces discuss pertinent gay topics.

The Expectations of Others

I'm making it a personal challenge to reference Jean Kilbourne in ALL of my posts. I can't help it- I like a lot of what she says in her highly acclaimed video series about advertising and sexism, Killing Us Softly III. At one point during her lecture/film she talks about the bizarre, polar "expectations" about what a women should be.

Something similar is happening to Gay men. We're expected to be:

• "Out" and "straight acting"


• Fashionable, but not too feminine


• Health conscious, yet sex-crazed barebackers

Here's some other non-polar but equally bizarre expectations (or stereotypes) brought up by the guys from coffee talk:

"People think that because we're Gay - and they have a friend who's Gay - we would be interested in dating said Gay friend."

"We're supposed to be better equipped to deal with irate gay customers."

"According to Right wing Christians we are amoral child abusers."

We're all pretty much up to our ears in the expectations of others and ourselves. It's important to try to objectively take a look at these expectations. Where do they come from? What harm-or good-do they do to each of us and our community?

Josh Newbury leads coffee talk discussions on Wednesdays @ 7pm @ Salt Lake Roasting Company.

The Way We Were

Ah - History Class. Those were the days. Chapter after chapter of powder wigs, Manifest Destiny and the Cuban missile crisis. It always struck me as somewhat odd that the only mention of the Queer community came in the eleventh grade. Two or three lines under the 1960's section that read something like: "Stonewall: It happened. Thus began the gay rights movement."

So the Gay rights movement didn't get started until the late 60's? And we're defined as a community that didn't exist until we wanted our rights? Weren't many great artists, writers, poets, musicians, and world leaders gay or bi? Oscar Wilde, Frida Kahlo, Michelangelo, Walt Whitman, Richard the Lionhearted, Julius Ceasar? Yet their lovers, their attractions and relationships, are conveniently left out of our history books.

I'm dismayed that so much of Queer history is omitted, deleted or missing. I mean, weren't there formal and informal Queer groups in the U.S. as early as the 1920's? According to SFgate, San Francisco, a.k.a. "Sodom by the Sea," was known for its alternative sexuality even before the turn of the century, and saw a huge influx of gay servicemen after WWII.

I think it's significant that several minority communities have worked to reclaim their history from American and World history textbooks. A few questions we can ask ourselves and others as we reclaim our queer history: Why is it a subject worth delving into? What does the future have in store for us and what part do we see ourselves playing in creating queer history? Check out this great site learn more about queer history.

Josh Newbury leads Coffee Talk on Wednesdays @ 7pm @ the Salt Lake Roasting Company. This week's discussion: "The Expectations of Others..." How are we "supposed" to behave, talk, dance, dress, live? How do we manage these expectations and where do they come from? Join us for another lively conversation with great guys and good coffee.

What Do Gay Men Need?

I'm Joshua Newbury, and this is my blog post. Hmm, I sound like I'm at an AA meeting.

What do gay men need?

That's the question I put forward at last week's Coffee Talk. What could everyday life be like if we lived in an 'ideal' society? The responses I got centered around several needs:

• Equality-gay men want the same rights as straight men, No more, no less. That includes freedom from discrimination because of our sexual orientation, freedom to marry the man we love, and little things like being able to hold hands in public without fear of being gay bashed.
• Family-we want to be able to experience love and relationships in an open and affirming environment. We need to feel like we belong in our family and we want to create our own families.
• Heroes-we need positive gay role models in our life, from older men who can share their experiences from the school of hard knocks, to athletes with the balls to come out before they retire, to "out" gay politicians and leaders from both polical parties. We also need media representations that move beyond gay stereotypes and portray being gay as simply one part of who we are.

Once we know what we need - more or less - how can we get it. We have to ask ourselves what we can change and what we are willing to achieve those changes. Do we need to run for public office? Risk our bodies or comfort? Do more of us need to come out of the closet? We have to think about what action we can-or are-taking to secure the things we need to be happy and healthy. That's social work 101, champs.

Josh is a student at the U of U and leads Village Coffee Talk discussions on Wednesdays @ 7pm @ SL Roasting Company.