Yay! My first blog for Queer Village! Thanks to Jeremiah for inviting me to post. I think for my blog posts, I’ll pose a question with some thoughts of my own in hopes of sparking some conversation in the comments. So please leave comments and participate!
Do you think your friends would be comfortable going to you for support if they tested positive for HIV, or would they hide it from you?
I posed this question to myself shortly after I discovered a very close friend had tested positive, but that he had learned of his diagnosis several months before and he only revealed it to me after some prodding about why he was acting so unusual.
While I understood how he would want time to deal with this news on his own, in the back of my mind I wondered if maybe he had held back because of fear of how I would react. I know this person was there during the darkest times of my life, and I felt bad that he didn’t feel he could turn to me during this challenging period.
It made me realize that I wanted to express to all of my close friends, especially my friends who like me are also sexually active gay men, that I loved them no matter what and that news of a positive status would never impact my feelings about them, and that I would be there to be as much of a support for them as they desired.
I am pained at the thought that a close friend would have to have this issue at all. While we have learned that HIV is not a death sentence anymore, it is still a very problematic situation and it is sadly filled with incredible social stigmas. I have lived most of my life in a world with HIV, and while I feel it would be nice to live in a world where we spent most of our time fighting the spread and focusing on prevention, I feel we also have to be braced to handle reality in a loving manner.
So, when the time is right, I try to verbalize explicitly to my friends something along the lines of “I love you, and if ever you were to come across a difficult situation like testing positive, or having any other situation occur that you need support with, I am there for you however you need.” No one should have to fear their closest friends during their most challenging times.
So, what do you think? Do you think a conversation like this is needed with your friends? Have you had such a conversation? How did it go? Looking forward to your comments!
3/20/08
Joel's First Time!
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7 comments:
During my coming out process, my best friend was not the first person I told. I know that this person would be supportive, I was just afraid it would hurt them Not only did I not want to hurt them, I wasn’t fully comfortable with being gay myself. A lot of my clients have told me that coming out of the closet as a person with HIV is like coming out of the closet as being a man who is gay. For anyone to disclose something about themselves that is very personal, they have to be comfortable with it. I think that this is the same principle when people are dealing with depression, eating disorders, being sexual abused, in an abusive relationship, talking about their HIV status, or any other traumatic event.
Once someone is comfortable with being HIV positive themselves, this is the point in time that they can start to work through this event and start to talk about it with the people they love and care about. I remember the first time that I had someone come to me and tell me that they were HIV positive. I was co-facilitating my first group after 4 months of running this group, this person finally decided to tell the group that they were HIV positive. This was the first time they told anyone in their life. The group knew about my previous experience working as a HIV councilor but that didn’t seem to matter. This person talked about knowing people in their life that would be accepting but didn’t want to hurt them, they wanted to be strong. This person didn’t tell us sooner because they weren’t comfortable with even admitting they were positive to themselves.
The skeletons in our closets can be a very difficult thing to talk about. This could include coming out of the closet, talking about our risky behaviors, talking about sexual abuse, admitting eating disorders, depression, or anything else we are facing in our lives. Sometimes the strongest people are the people who are suffering the most. I think that the best thing for us to do as friends of these people is to be supportive in any situation. Make our time with them a safe time. We need to be there for our friends in all circumstances with empathy, trust, support, and love these thinks can make all the difference. I feel that if we can do this, we will be ready for when our friends show us their skeletons and share with us their deepest darkest secrets.
Joel maybe you should look at this situation in a different light. Instead of saying wow this person took a while to tell me about this traumatic event. Why don’t you try saying to yourself wow this person must truly trust me, they were able to come to me and tell me something about them that is so personal. I don’t feel that we need to have these conversations with our friends about how we will love them no matter what. The people who have told some of their deepest and darkest secrets came to me not because I have had this conversation with them, but because they know that I will be there for them. They know that I will show up with love, support, empathy, and trust, no matter what happens.
Hmm, I agree that talking about HIV status is a lot like coming out of the closet, but I certainly would feel more comfortable talking about it with friends who have shown me they care for me no matter what stupid things I may have done. If nothing else, telling a friend you care about them will only deepen the friendship.
Joel,
The the wording in your post "I have lived most of my life with HIV" leaves your status a little vague. Would you be willing to clarify.
Thanks
Mauricio
joel,
i have often wondered if a close friend of mine tested positive if they would tell me. when i worked at UAF, i tried to be as open as possible with my friends about testing. most of my friends were glad to know somebody at the foundation. some still didn't want to go.
i think that all we can do is keep our health as gay men a topic that we discuss and be as supportive as we can on the issue of testing.
johnnie
was with my freund when he tested pos so he told me right then but don't know if he would have told me so soon. and don't know if i would tell my freinds at frist would have to have time to get use to it
I have had friends come out to me about their HIV status, and then tell me they were afraid to talk with me about it because they did not want to be "judged." I don't think I judge my friends, and it makes me sad they are afraid to talk about something so personal. And then, again... It is so personal. I completely understand that it's hard to talk about... with anyone.
Mauricio,
Thanks for asking, I meant that I have lived most of my life in a world with HIV. I adjusted that, as you are right it is a little vague. I'm negative, tested just yesterday at UAF.
Joel
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